Pandemic postcard #1: Hope suspends eternal

Hello. How are you doing today, this first full day of spring 2020? How is your heart in these days of unknowing?

I am doing OK. This is my first post since my March 1 return from my five-week sabbatical in Mexico. It's mind-boggling to think about how life has changed since then, and how much it might change in the next three weeks.

If I'm sad, it's mostly because I have no idea when I'll be able to travel again. I had hoped to be in Boise next week to see my daughter and volunteer at the Treefort music festival, now on hold until September. I'm also wondering when I might be able to do laundry; we have seven communal laundry rooms in my complex of more than 200 apartments, and I just don't think it's a good idea to use them, so I'm washing stuff in the sink for now. I'm keeping my distance from people and keeping a two-week supply of food in case I get sick anyway.

If I'm comforted, it's because the government, after way too much dithering as this crisis grew, now seems to recognize the dire straits we are in. I am just about out of editorial work and my baseball job is on hold, so I will welcome the federal financial help that seems to be on the horizon. I'm also heartened by how we are all finding new ways to live and to be together. I'll share a few of my favorites in this post.

Like many of you, I've had a longstanding like-hate relationship with Facebook, but I've spent far more time on there over the past two weeks than I have in years. I have mixed feelings about this--I'm trying to guard against spending more than 15 minutes or so at a stretch on social media (or on news sites, for that matter). But for all its miscues, Facebook is a lifeline for many right now in this time of physical distancing. I especially enjoy people's posts about how they're spending their time in this uncertain season. Personally, I've begun sharing a short video clip from my daily walk. Seattle is abloom, and I know many people can't get out these days, so it's a tiny thing I can do to bring a little nature to anyone who needs it.



Speaking of sharing, bless the musicians. Ben Gibbard is doing a daily live stream from his home here in Seattle. It has become a daily ritual for me: to gather with 7,000 or so other people to hear him play tunes from his deep catalog with Death Cab for Cutie and the Postal Service plus some inspired covers. (As an aside, he's had a bad cough; he has been recovering from a very bad flu he had in late February that was possibly the new coronavirus, though he says he'll never know.) I also plan to stream last week's recording of the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra playing its last concert (for now), featuring Beethoven's 5th and 6th symphonies. There's a lot of live music happening all over Facebook, YouTube, Zoom, and other channels. Check out your favorite artists' feeds to see what they're up to.

What else? I'm a longtime fan of The Daily from The New York Times. This week's shows have been heartbreaking and hopeful, from the interview with the Italian doctor who'd finally taken a break to spend time with his family to today's show featuring a host of entrepreneurs who are shutting their businesses for the knowable future.

It's a good time to read books. Last week, I finished The Resisters, Gish Jen's new novel about baseball as a force for good in a not-so-distant dystopia. It was the last book I was able to borrow from my Seattle Public Library branch before it closed for who knows how long. After that, I returned to The Agony and the Ecstasy, a biographical novel of Michelangelo I've been reading off and on for a few months. This hefty Irving Stone epic (the bestselling book during the week I was born) has helped put our current political and health predicaments into perspective; Michelangelo spent his entire life struggling against various popes, often facing delays of many years--as well as various plagues and wars--as he nonetheless created one of the most astonishing bodies of work the world has known.

This weekend, I plan to take a tech sabbath and a break from the news from sunset tonight until sunset Saturday. I will refrain from using the Internet, though I'll still listen to CDs on the old boombox and watch a DVD or two. I'll also bake a bit, maybe make some art, play some music, do a little spring cleaning--and of course take a long walk. It's going to be rainy and overcast in Seattle next week, so I will enjoy the warmth and the sun while it lasts. 

We will get through this. It will take time. I'd love to hear about how life has changed for you, and the different ways you are spending your days now that we are living in ways none of us expected to live just a few weeks ago.

Small steps and giant leaps

Here it is again, that only-every-four-years opportunity to do something extraordinary. I’ve always tried to make February 29 special. Four years ago, it marked the first day of my renewed freelance career after I’d spent a few years drawing a regular paycheck, and also the day I interviewed for and was offered a job as a Major League Baseball guest services staff member.

Today, though, I am exhausted. It’s the last day of my five-week sabbatical in Guadalajara, Mexico. I slept badly last night, a mosquito tormenting me despite the repellent I’d splashed behind my ears. I had to drag myself to teach an 8:30 English class for six teenagers. (I graduated from my Teaching English as a Foreign Language course yesterday, but I’d requested a chance to teach young learners and my school obliged with a late-breaking assignment, so off I went.)

It’s still only noon and it’s my last day in Mexico. I’ve had a small nap and I ought to do something fun! I still haven’t been to Tlaquepaque, the charming smaller city near here. That was my plan for today. But I’m simply too tired to do anything but hang out in my apartment, pack my stuff, maybe read and watch Netflix a bit. Besides, it’s hot outside—I am so ready to get back to cool, green Seattle—so why shouldn’t I spend most of my last day here holed up in my apartment, a fan whirring at my side? The fact is I have worked really hard these past five weeks, as hard as I have ever worked in my life (which is saying something) and I think I will visit Jalisco again someday. So if I’m suffering a momentary lack of ambition ... so be it.

Our lives can go awry when we never get off the couch. They can also go sideways when we do nothing but go-go-go. Pacing is everything, right? For years now, I have been trying to find my way toward doing less and being more. I am proud of what I have accomplished over the past month, and I know I will be busy again sooner than I’d like. For now, I just want to sit.

I am a teacher!

One of the things I love about travel is how it helps me be creative and solve problems as they arise. Sometimes, I’ve had to decode a mysterious European lock or appliance, or find well-hidden light switches. Once, I had to use an impromptu game of charades to locate a late-night pharmacy. 

In my 12 days (so far) in Guadalajara, I’ve had many moments of thinking I’ve finally gotten in over my head. I am in a big, intense, unfamiliar city (Mexico’s second largest). Last week, I joined a beginner immersive Spanish class a week after it had started, and it was muy stressful, especially since I had a cold and wasn’t sleeping well. This week, I have begun a four-week course in Teaching English as a Foreign Language, and I am by far the oldest person in my class. (There was one other “mature” student in our cohort, but he bailed out today, on Day 3.) Amazingly, you teach your first class on the third day. That was today. 

For my first class, I had to help the students review future passive tense, which I rarely use myself. I had to look it up to remember what it means. To top it off, I had to do lesson plans today for my first two classes since the second is at 8 a.m. tomorrow.

It’s been an anxious week. But now I feel like, OK, I’ve got this. 

Mr. Ruiz, a really popular and good teacher, observed my first class, the one on future perfect, for an intermediate-level class of young adults. The theme was outer space, and over the course of the class, the students needed to decide who among them would be sent back to Earth. I’d written a lesson plan for a class of seven students, but when I arrived,  there were only five, so I had to adapt on the fly—and I did. 

In the first part of the class, I had the students talk about the positives and negatives of being an astronaut. Risk was one factor they cited, and I was able to tell them the sad story of the Challenger—as well as introduce the word “quarantine,” an experience the early astronauts had upon their return to Earth, and a concept in the news again now with the coronavirus. 

Next, I had the students talk in two groups to justify their jobs. As they talked, I had an idea to hold a secret ballot among the whole group, since it was so small. All five voted to jettison the psychologist rather than the engineer or the captain— so I got to teach the word unanimous! It was interesting to see how the class became a blend of activities I’d planned and spontaneous actions. 

At my review session, Mr. Ruiz asked how I’d rate myself and I said about a 6. “Why so low?” he asked. I mainly felt like I had plenty of room to improve. So I was a little surprised but very happy when he gave me a score of 9 out of 10! He was very complimentary of my classroom management, board use, demeanor, my low TTT (teacher talk time)—even my handwriting! One of my students, Cynthia, said it was a great class, which Mr. Ruiz said is the best compliment you can get. 

Mr. Ruiz noted that my future scores will go up and down since some classes are harder than others. His main piece of advice was that I could rely on students in a higher-level class to explain even more—to paraphrase instructions instead of simply reading them, for example. 

So my first class is behind me—and by lunchtime tomorrow, I will have taught another, and then about a dozen more over the next three weeks. I have no idea what I might do with my TEFL credential, or where I will wind up using it. But even with just one day of teaching behind me, I feel newly confident that this was a good idea. I will do something good with this new skill, something to help people achieve their goals—and something to give my own life new purpose and meaning. 

Live and learn

My theme word for 2020 is learn. I was inspired to pick a word for the year by Tim Atkins, who wrote about how he's chosen one each year for a few years now. "I started this practice five years ago, and it’s changed my life," he says. "It becomes a mantra I meditate on throughout the year. When I’m questioning what’s the right thing to do, I will look to my word of the year for guidance."

Learn was an easy choice for me for this year. Later this month, I'll be traveling to Mexico to learn how to teach English as a foreign language. It's an intensive program and I haven't been in a classroom for a long time. I have to admit I'm feeling a little intimidated; although I have made a living as a writer and editor for many decades, I am not the world's greatest grammarian. I think I missed the day we learned how to diagram sentences back in middle school, and I'm not at all sure I can explain the finer points of adverbs. But that's why I am taking the TEFL class. I look forward to learning more about my own language so I can help others learn it, too.

On January 1, I walked the Golden Gate Bridge with my brother and several friends. One of them, Felicia, compiles a list each year of new experiences she wants to try in her beloved Bay Area region. With that as an inspiration, I am making a list, too. Here are eight* experiences and activities I plan to try in 2020:

Learning to teach English as a foreign language. 
Improving my Spanish.
Trying a new art activity.
Volunteering at Treefort, Boise's big spring music festival.
Going to a professional soccer game.
Seeing a concert at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley, Calif. (which will give me another excuse to visit my Bay Area family).
Taking a solo road trip around the Olympic Peninsula.

*This is a bonus one: I may go to Alaska. (If not in 2020, I'll aim for 2021.) I've been to all 50 states but four: Alaska, Alabama, Mississippi, and South Carolina. I want to get to them all by the time I turn 60. 

Before I close, I'd also like to celebrate a few things I did in 2019: I re-read all the Harry Potter books, learned to make Greek yogurt in a crockpot, went camping by myself for the first time in decades, walked an average of four miles a day, visited Ireland for the first time, saw my cousins at Christmas for the first time in decades, spent 10 nights on a train, and made progress in mending a broken heart. It was a good year.

I wish you a bright new year of living and learning.

Laugh is another word I plan to hold close for 2020. The older I get, the more comfortable I am not taking things so seriously--especially myself.

Hindsight is 20/20

As this year winds down, we're also wrapping up a decade. I'm seeing lots of lists recounting the best music, movies, and more of the past 10 years. Right now, I feel most compelled to reflect on the best decisions I made over the 20-tens. I think these are the main ones for me, and I'd be interested to hear yours.

I decided to live debt-free. During the first iteration of my freelance career, I had a big fat line of credit and I used it, amassing debt to write travel guidebooks and magazine articles for publishers who rarely paid expenses. I figured that unreimbursed expenses and interest were all deductible. But paying off the steep interest meant I couldn't save as much as I'd have liked toward my daughter's college fund nor for my then-far-off retirement.

Ten years ago this month, I made my last payment on my business credit card and closed it for good. Since then, I've continued to use credit to earn travel points, but I pay off my balances every month. After owning two homes and settling two estates, I've decided I prefer being a renter. Property is a good investment for many people--but it ties you down; it's not my American dream. I like the freedom and flexibility of letting someone else make and manage that investment. 

I followed my heart. This meant leaving Idaho (and family and friends) for the chance to live among people able to elect leaders who could advance the values I hold deeply--of prizing human diversity, of living more sustainably, of practicing generosity on a civic as well as a personal level. Our country's future is murky, but I feel blessed that I live in the city, state, and region that I do. I also feel great affection for the places and people I left behind; I know people have many reasons for staying where they do.

Following my heart also meant leaving a long and good-enough marriage for a new relationship that showed me a new level of what love could be--both the highs of finding a true companion and the lows of illness and death. It was a painful journey in many ways, yet I am grateful to both men for the love and understanding they gave me and thankful that I was able to be part of their lives.

I distanced myself from politics. Anguished by an unnecessary war in Iraq and inspired by examples of civic imagination, I spent most of the first dozen years of this century enmeshed in politics, trying my best to help candidates and causes from Howard Dean to strong public schools to a sustainable climate. It was time well spent, but I ultimately felt I needed to return to the objective stance I'd learned as a young adult--to my roots as a journalist.

It's funny: I was drawn into journalism by one impeachment--a national crisis that saw a president resign before he could be fired. Now, with another impeachment unfolding, I feel intensely lucky that I've found ways to make a living as a writer and editor that don't require me to cover politics. As I outlined in this essay last year, I pay attention to the news, but as a matter of self-preservation, I'm no longer obsessed by it. I'm inspired by people who act with integrity, saddened that facts are considered malleable, and certain we will get the government we deserve in these distracted, disrupted times. But I know that individually, we don't have to be defined by that government.

Hindsight is 20/20, and the three decisions above are ones that I see giving shape to other decisions I'll be making over the next 10 years--as much as any of us can really decide anything anymore in a future that seems to be spiraling out of control.

I don't want to look away; I want to stay on top of what's going on. I want to see the good as well as the bad and the uncertain. I want to keep bearing witness to the idea that our small daily decisions for joy and kindness and responsibility to and love for others and ourselves may somehow add up to ... something.

In search of the strong and the trusted

Today is Veterans Day. Last night, I spent some time looking over letters my dad sent home during his Navy days at the end of World War II. Like most young adults serving in that era, he didn't understand everything he was asked to do, but he had trust that the people in charge were looking out for him.

I've been thinking a lot about our military these past few weeks, especially the people on the ground in the Middle East, and about the Ukrainian military, too. And I've been thinking about a song Nick Lowe penned 45 years ago that has more resonance than ever before. "Where are the strong and who are the trusted?" Lowe asked in "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding?" Indeed.

There's a new book out, It Shouldn’t Be This Hard To Serve Your Country. Its author, David Shulkin, had served 18 months as Under Secretary of Veterans Affairs for Health in the Obama administration and he assumed he’d leave the job when Donald Trump took over. But no one told him one way or another, and he learned via a Trump press conference on cable TV just nine days before the 2017 inauguration that not only would he keep his job, he’d be heading the VA. If that seems irregular, it was nothing compared to what was to come. 

Speaking with The New York Times on The Daily a few weeks ago, Shulkin related that his first six months on the job were ones of great productivity since he was able to continue work on changes he’d begun in the previous administration. But it soon dawned on Shulkin that political appointees were working behind the scenes on different priorities, especially to speed up privatization of the VA medical system. Shulkin described how he became a meme when Trump, during a televised meeting in the Roosevelt Room, asked whether Shulkin would be attending a meeting that weekend at his Florida estate on veterans issues. The VA secretary shook his head no. He hadn’t heard about the meeting. 

On The Daily, Shulkin drew parallels between what he experienced in his year serving under Trump (he was fired via tweet in March 2018) and revelations of the back-channel dealings with Ukraine that are now riveting the nation. I wonder what we’ve yet to learn about why Trump has spent nearly three years scrapping U.S. policies and squandering goodwill everywhere from NATO to Syria. 

It shouldn't be this hard to serve your country. Yet from the career diplomats who’ve testified in the Ukraine probe to the active-duty military personnel asked to abandon their peacekeeping roles, it’s become very hard indeed. 

Which brings me back to Lowe’s 1974 hymn to peace, love, and understanding. In 2011, he told Noel Murray of the A.V. Club that he’d come up with the title first and thought he’d write a song about a hippie bemoaning the 1970s turn toward cynicism and irony. “It was originally supposed to be a joke song, but something told me there was a little grain of wisdom in this thing, and not to mess it up.”

He didn’t mess it up; Lowe’s song went on to become a hit for Elvis Costello and Curtis Stigers and it’s been covered dozens of other times, too. It feels like a dirge to me these days, full of questions and frank longing. We all want to know: Is there only pain, hatred, and misery? Is all hope gone? Where are the strong? Who can we trust? Dare we still dream of a government that is civil, capable, and transparent, or is that all just slipping away? 

I still want to believe that truth will prevail. I am thankful for the people serving our country--those in the military and especially the civil servants and journalists--who are trying to help us survive these days of darkness and insanity. Keep doing what you’re doing. Eventually, we're going to get this sorted out.

To be with one another

My friend Cai recently posted a bucket list on Facebook. Along with wishes for far-off travel and adventure, she said she hopes to meet each of her Facebook friends in person.

Remember a few years ago—well, maybe it’s been a decade or more—when we started using the acronym IRL (in real life)? It seems quaint now, since so much of our lives are lived online, mediated and facilitated and sometimes complicated by our screens, but as real as can be.

Sort of. I’m writing this on my “phone” (and I did actually make a call on it today, amid the emails and texts and updates) as I’m sitting outdoors, in nature, for what feels like the first time all week. I remind myself to look up and out, not just down, but so much happens in these few square inches: Friends posting photos from their travels. Classmates organizing our reunion. Another friend's successful surgery. Smiling babies, sleeping cats, people imperiling the real world, people imploring us to act before it's too late. And you ... you are reading this on a screen right now, and I thank you.

And yet there is a world IRL, beyond the screens, the world that Cai wants to experience. One of my Facebook friends recently traveled from her home in Washington, DC, to the other Washington. She messaged me the week before, wondering if I wanted to get coffee.

I have a lot of Facebook friends, given how I’ve lived in a lot of places and had a lot of jobs in my dozen years on the site—and especially how I used it in its early years, as an organizing tool. I racked my brain and tried to remember how I’d met this person. I couldn’t recall, but from her profile, it was clear that we share some key interests and could have a good conversation--and so mindful of Cai’s vow to meet all her Facebook friends IRL, I accepted the invitation. My correspondent reminded me which of our mutual friends introduced us online a decade or so ago and confirmed that no, we had not actually met face to face.

But now we have. I passed a fine late-summer hour talking urbanism and walkability and travel with Eileen in a favorite little park in Seattle, a place I’m always eager to be sure visitors see. I won’t tell you more here, because if we are friends on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or LinkedIn, I’ll tell you once you get in touch to tell me you’re in Seattle and want to meet up IRL.

We'll go here when we meet IRL in Seattle.

Thank you, Eileen, for reaching out to meet when you were here. Thank you, Cai, for challenging us all to seek each other out.

A postscript: My daughter was a bridesmaid last weekend and she mentioned that everyone kept their phones put away during the ceremony. This surprised me a little--and delighted me, too. The couple hired a great photographer and let her document the event so everyone else could be fully present in the moment (though someone did crack a joke about doing a Facebook Live of it).

Natalie reported that she actually kept her phone stowed in her bag the entire wedding day, the longest time she can remember going without it except while camping. For this reason and others, I am not too worried about the Millennials. (And big congrats, Kelli and Gus.)