Pandemic postcard #2: All in this together

Hello again, and how has your week been? I am going to write here every Friday, as I am able.

After I posted last Friday, I took a 36-hour sabbath from news and social media. It was good for my soul, and I highly recommend it. Originally, I was going to stay offline from sunset Friday through Saturday evening, but I wound up staying away through Sunday morning, when I finally logged back onto the Internet to attend church online. We need rhythms and patterns in life; we're all coming up with new ones these days, aren't we?

Another pattern for me: I have been confining my essential errands to one day a week. I've chosen Thursday, mainly because it's the day when the landscape crew arrives at my apartment complex, high-decibel power tools blazing to wrangle our lawn, trees, and hedges into submission. There's no sense trying to read, write, or think during this time, so I take that as my cue to do the necessary business of reinforcing my grocery supply--and I went to a laundromat, too, figuring it would be cleaner and safer than the unattended laundry room I share with several dozen other apartments.

After the laundry, I drove to my old neighborhood grocery store, a sprawling Fred Meyer. I usually use the self-checkout at this store, but yesterday I stocked up, buying another full two weeks' worth of food and three months' worth of craft beer. (These days, that's two six-packs for me. Everything in moderation, including one IPA a week.)  I also wanted to thank the people who are keeping the store open, so I chose an attended line. The shopper in front of me had a mask on. The cashier had gloves.

When it was my turn, the cashier and I exchanged some mild pleasantries as he started ringing up my stuff. I'd heard it was no longer OK to bring my own bags. He said it's allowable, but I'd need to bag my own groceries. Good to know, that makes sense, I said--but I was glad to have him do the bagging of this big-for-me order. I thanked him for working on the front lines. He said he was glad to do it and that he even had a permission slip in case he got stopped on his way to work--but that was unlikely, since he lives around the corner. I used to live just down the block in this neighborhood, too, I said.

No one else was waiting in line, so we chatted even as he finished my order and I paid. He mentioned that his girlfriend is working from home these days, but that she might get a job in Olympia, our state capital, at some point. Well, there are Fred Meyers down there, I said. "But by then, I hope to be a teacher," he told me. What did he want to teach? English. Oh, I said, "I just got back from Mexico. I was down there learning how to teach English as a foreign language." And so on. I'm a writer, I said. He said he is a writer, too, "even if I've never published anything except in my school magazine." Well, that counts, I told him. He thanked me for coming in. "You're welcome and thanks again," I said.

It's a wrenching time for our world, and yet we are actively choosing to connect in ways big and small, mostly via phone and text and Zoom and email and social media, but sometimes in person. I understand why people are ordering grocery and food delivery, having their shipments left on the front porch so there's no contact. But I'll go out for groceries once a week as long as I can. We are all in this together--a cliche, but it's especially true now, when we need to be apart.

I also learned this week that my most longstanding magazine client, a publisher I've written for since the 1990s, is folding. They were my second-biggest source of income last year, so it will hurt. But this news came the same day that the Senate advanced the humongous fiscal package that finally gives self-employed people some unemployment protection. I continue to believe, as the Rev. Theodore Parker once said (and Dr. King echoed) that the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice. Still, my heart aches for my editor at the magazine.

There's plenty of pain to go around right now. I am grateful I remain healthy and that no one in my inner circle has fallen seriously ill. I am grateful for the conversations I have had this past week with my beloveds. I am grateful I can get out and walk every day. And I am grateful for you, reader. See you next Friday.

P.S. I think we need a song called "Handshake Anxiety" right about now, yes? I am proud to say my daughter is the artist. She recorded this before COVID-19 became a thing. The whole album, released a month ago, is worth a listen. Be well.
 

Small steps and giant leaps

Here it is again, that only-every-four-years opportunity to do something extraordinary. I’ve always tried to make February 29 special. Four years ago, it marked the first day of my renewed freelance career after I’d spent a few years drawing a regular paycheck, and also the day I interviewed for and was offered a job as a Major League Baseball guest services staff member.

Today, though, I am exhausted. It’s the last day of my five-week sabbatical in Guadalajara, Mexico. I slept badly last night, a mosquito tormenting me despite the repellent I’d splashed behind my ears. I had to drag myself to teach an 8:30 English class for six teenagers. (I graduated from my Teaching English as a Foreign Language course yesterday, but I’d requested a chance to teach young learners and my school obliged with a late-breaking assignment, so off I went.)

It’s still only noon and it’s my last day in Mexico. I’ve had a small nap and I ought to do something fun! I still haven’t been to Tlaquepaque, the charming smaller city near here. That was my plan for today. But I’m simply too tired to do anything but hang out in my apartment, pack my stuff, maybe read and watch Netflix a bit. Besides, it’s hot outside—I am so ready to get back to cool, green Seattle—so why shouldn’t I spend most of my last day here holed up in my apartment, a fan whirring at my side? The fact is I have worked really hard these past five weeks, as hard as I have ever worked in my life (which is saying something) and I think I will visit Jalisco again someday. So if I’m suffering a momentary lack of ambition ... so be it.

Our lives can go awry when we never get off the couch. They can also go sideways when we do nothing but go-go-go. Pacing is everything, right? For years now, I have been trying to find my way toward doing less and being more. I am proud of what I have accomplished over the past month, and I know I will be busy again sooner than I’d like. For now, I just want to sit.

I am a teacher!

One of the things I love about travel is how it helps me be creative and solve problems as they arise. Sometimes, I’ve had to decode a mysterious European lock or appliance, or find well-hidden light switches. Once, I had to use an impromptu game of charades to locate a late-night pharmacy. 

In my 12 days (so far) in Guadalajara, I’ve had many moments of thinking I’ve finally gotten in over my head. I am in a big, intense, unfamiliar city (Mexico’s second largest). Last week, I joined a beginner immersive Spanish class a week after it had started, and it was muy stressful, especially since I had a cold and wasn’t sleeping well. This week, I have begun a four-week course in Teaching English as a Foreign Language, and I am by far the oldest person in my class. (There was one other “mature” student in our cohort, but he bailed out today, on Day 3.) Amazingly, you teach your first class on the third day. That was today. 

For my first class, I had to help the students review future passive tense, which I rarely use myself. I had to look it up to remember what it means. To top it off, I had to do lesson plans today for my first two classes since the second is at 8 a.m. tomorrow.

It’s been an anxious week. But now I feel like, OK, I’ve got this. 

Mr. Ruiz, a really popular and good teacher, observed my first class, the one on future perfect, for an intermediate-level class of young adults. The theme was outer space, and over the course of the class, the students needed to decide who among them would be sent back to Earth. I’d written a lesson plan for a class of seven students, but when I arrived,  there were only five, so I had to adapt on the fly—and I did. 

In the first part of the class, I had the students talk about the positives and negatives of being an astronaut. Risk was one factor they cited, and I was able to tell them the sad story of the Challenger—as well as introduce the word “quarantine,” an experience the early astronauts had upon their return to Earth, and a concept in the news again now with the coronavirus. 

Next, I had the students talk in two groups to justify their jobs. As they talked, I had an idea to hold a secret ballot among the whole group, since it was so small. All five voted to jettison the psychologist rather than the engineer or the captain— so I got to teach the word unanimous! It was interesting to see how the class became a blend of activities I’d planned and spontaneous actions. 

At my review session, Mr. Ruiz asked how I’d rate myself and I said about a 6. “Why so low?” he asked. I mainly felt like I had plenty of room to improve. So I was a little surprised but very happy when he gave me a score of 9 out of 10! He was very complimentary of my classroom management, board use, demeanor, my low TTT (teacher talk time)—even my handwriting! One of my students, Cynthia, said it was a great class, which Mr. Ruiz said is the best compliment you can get. 

Mr. Ruiz noted that my future scores will go up and down since some classes are harder than others. His main piece of advice was that I could rely on students in a higher-level class to explain even more—to paraphrase instructions instead of simply reading them, for example. 

So my first class is behind me—and by lunchtime tomorrow, I will have taught another, and then about a dozen more over the next three weeks. I have no idea what I might do with my TEFL credential, or where I will wind up using it. But even with just one day of teaching behind me, I feel newly confident that this was a good idea. I will do something good with this new skill, something to help people achieve their goals—and something to give my own life new purpose and meaning. 

Live and learn

My theme word for 2020 is learn. I was inspired to pick a word for the year by Tim Atkins, who wrote about how he's chosen one each year for a few years now. "I started this practice five years ago, and it’s changed my life," he says. "It becomes a mantra I meditate on throughout the year. When I’m questioning what’s the right thing to do, I will look to my word of the year for guidance."

Learn was an easy choice for me for this year. Later this month, I'll be traveling to Mexico to learn how to teach English as a foreign language. It's an intensive program and I haven't been in a classroom for a long time. I have to admit I'm feeling a little intimidated; although I have made a living as a writer and editor for many decades, I am not the world's greatest grammarian. I think I missed the day we learned how to diagram sentences back in middle school, and I'm not at all sure I can explain the finer points of adverbs. But that's why I am taking the TEFL class. I look forward to learning more about my own language so I can help others learn it, too.

On January 1, I walked the Golden Gate Bridge with my brother and several friends. One of them, Felicia, compiles a list each year of new experiences she wants to try in her beloved Bay Area region. With that as an inspiration, I am making a list, too. Here are eight* experiences and activities I plan to try in 2020:

Learning to teach English as a foreign language. 
Improving my Spanish.
Trying a new art activity.
Volunteering at Treefort, Boise's big spring music festival.
Going to a professional soccer game.
Seeing a concert at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley, Calif. (which will give me another excuse to visit my Bay Area family).
Taking a solo road trip around the Olympic Peninsula.

*This is a bonus one: I may go to Alaska. (If not in 2020, I'll aim for 2021.) I've been to all 50 states but four: Alaska, Alabama, Mississippi, and South Carolina. I want to get to them all by the time I turn 60. 

Before I close, I'd also like to celebrate a few things I did in 2019: I re-read all the Harry Potter books, learned to make Greek yogurt in a crockpot, went camping by myself for the first time in decades, walked an average of four miles a day, visited Ireland for the first time, saw my cousins at Christmas for the first time in decades, spent 10 nights on a train, and made progress in mending a broken heart. It was a good year.

I wish you a bright new year of living and learning.

Laugh is another word I plan to hold close for 2020. The older I get, the more comfortable I am not taking things so seriously--especially myself.

Belonging

One of the things I like best about my part-time job at the ballpark comes into full flower now in midsummer, when I get to talk with people visiting us from all over the world. Many are in Seattle at the start or the end of a cruise to Alaska. Others are here to escape their hot weather back home. That's a roll of the dice--it can be warm and sunny here one day, as it was yesterday, or rainy and coolish, but there's always something to do on those days, too.

Earlier this year, I felt like running away--from the long, dark Seattle winter, and from a house that never really felt like home after Tom was gone, because Tom was my home. I soon realized that I needed to stay in Seattle to tie up loose ends here, anyway, and it would take most of this year--so I signed a short lease for the place I'm living now, nearly certain I would move on this fall. But now I'm nearly certain that I won't.

For one thing, I have moved five times since 2012, and I'd just like to stay put for a while. I like my apartment a lot, and I may well have to move again in a few years as urban renewal proceeds all around the low-slung 1950s courtyard complex I currently call home.

Mostly, though, it's the trees and the sea telling me to stay put. In June, I drove to a special place on Hood Canal, Harmony Hill, where Tom and I attended a stem cell transplant survivors' weekend just two months before he died. As I walked the labyrinth around an amazing old tree, I heard myself or someone or something tell me, "There's a reason you're here."

I heard the same thing last week while at family camp on Seabeck Bay, as I took communion with the herons and seals and my human beloveds--and again yesterday, my birthday, as I treated myself to an afternoon spent looking for (and finding) more seals, orcas, eagles, and other neighbors from the wild world. The truth is, I was just happy to be out on the Salish Sea on a glorious summer day; the animals were a bonus.  And today, it is raining, which I've come to feel is just fine, too, especially if it keeps our forests dry after two summers aflame.

This post is, yet again, about allowing myself to change my mind and about being a work in progress, even well into my sixth decade of life. It's partly about connecting to a place I didn't necessarily choose when I first moved here to be closer to Tom, but a place that apparently has chosen me.

There's a reason I'm here. Maybe it's to be an unofficial ambassador to the people I meet at the ballpark, or in line as we wait for our boat trip. Maybe it's to help new neighbors learn English--something I plan to do as a volunteer once I earn my TEFL credential next winter. Maybe it's even to take a full-time job at the company for which I've been freelancing for a couple of years, or at the university or the library. Maybe it's something I've yet to discover. More will be revealed, I'm quite sure.

PS You can read more of my writing about Seattle and nearby here. And if you're an editor looking for a feature story or essay about the Pacific Northwest, it's your lucky day because I'm your huckleberry.

Mind the gaps

My sweetheart Tom used to tell a story about a near-death experience he had shortly after his diagnosis with multiple myeloma. To paraphrase: He was on his way to an oncology appointment, driving on Interstate 5 near downtown Seattle, when his windshield shattered. He still made it to his appointment; he was a get-it-done guy. But later that day, a police officer examining the vehicle handed Tom a metal rod, several inches long. It had flown off a truck into Tom's car--and had its trajectory been just a little different, it would have struck Tom's head after it hit the windshield. Yet it didn't, and Tom didn't die that day. His cancer went into remission, he saw his kids graduate from high school, he helped launch a new radio station while working his day job in music, and he fell in love with me.

I've spent much of this year since June 30 cleaning out Tom's stuff, and I came across a longer, written account of that day that he gave as a talk at Toastmasters shortly before Thanksgiving a year or two after it happened. His message, of course, was that you never know when something might fly through your windshield and kill you, so be happy and grateful--and Tom usually was.

Five years ago this morning, I met Tom at the Oakland airport. He'd flown down from Seattle on Thanksgiving morning to spend the holiday with my brother and his husband and me. The next day, we packed up a small rental truck and set off for Seattle, where I'd decided to move to be closer to Tom. We'd only been together a few months at that point, but when you fall in love with someone who has cancer, you don't want to waste a lot of time.

Tom and I had another four-and-a-half years together. It would be more than two years before his cancer returned in early 2016. We spent Thanksgiving that year in a hospital room, three weeks after his autologous stem cell transplant and four days after Tom's oxygen dropped and his temperature spiked to 106.8 as his body briefly rebelled against his re-infused cells. He'd nearly died again, but with quick action from his medical team, Tom pulled through--and a few days later, we noshed on a not-bad hospital Thanksgiving meal while listening to Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant and Paul Simon's The Boy in the Bubble. Two days later, we were home.

"... these are the days of miracles and wonders ..."

A few weeks after that Thanksgiving, Tom would watch his son graduate from college via a streaming site on the Internet. He'd live another 19 months, regain his strength to work hard (mostly from home) and travel several more times, launch another radio station, see his daughter turn 21, and marry me on his 62nd birthday.

Eleven days after that, he was gone.

I'm tempted to say I've written off this Thanksgiving--and likely the whole holiday season. But that's not really true. Last weekend, I joined in an early celebration with my daughter and her dad and my brother and his husband. Later today, I'll volunteer on the reception team for Thanksgiving dinner at the Union Gospel Mission homeless shelter. At this point in my life, it's often easier to be with strangers than grieve with kin, though I look forward to spending time with family and friends, too.

After Tom's death, I started experiencing some serious health challenges. I don't find it useful to post about such things online; some people gain strength from sharing, but I find it draining, so I've kept the details mostly to myself and a few friends and family. Suffice it to say, I'm feeling better now than I did a few months ago and I'm doing what I need to do to address the remaining issues--even as I do the work of settling Tom's estate and as much paid editorial work as I can manage. (I'm lucky to manage four hours a day of the latter, but for now, that's enough.)

Next Thanksgiving, I hope I'll be doing something similar to what I did on Thanksgiving in 2000, when I sat enjoying a plate of pasta at a waterfront restaurant in Melbourne, Australia, ahead of Lonely Planet's Authors Week. Maybe I'll be in Mexico; maybe I'll be in Vietnam. I'll have no fixed address, living nowhere and everywhere (though I'll get back to the Northwest for Christmas). I plan to travel for at least a few years with my portable editing and writing career, and I hope to teach English as a foreign language, too. I've started the process to learn TEFL and will ramp up that plan in the new year once I've concluded my estate duties.

Meanwhile, this is a season of living while we wait to resume life. I have low expectations for myself and everyone around me. We all still miss Tom. Good days and bad. Yes, I'm shedding a few tears as I write this. Mostly, I'm giving thanks for what we had.

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